I'm not fat i have a medical condition ...............(insert choice condition here)

Today is your lucky day, I will give you 3 conditions to choose from. Infact you can use all 3 at rotational times and then feel better about yourself, so you can go and eat that yummy sandwich I just ate.

The first medical condition is HYPOTHYRODISM . If you say this one really fast, tilt your head slightly side ways, shrug a little and look sad, then you'll sound really smart and as if fate has cheated you of a chance of being thin.


This condition is caused by a dysfunction of your thyroid gland ( this gland  is found in your throat).

Your thyroid becomes inflamed and your immune system begins to damage the gland, leading to a decrease in the production of thyroid hormones. As a result, your metabolism decreases, which often leads to unexplained weight gain. Other symptoms of hypothyroidism include sensitivity to cold, depression, and brittle nails and hair.

next; POLYCISTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME. You need to say this one with a slight shake of your head, then press your lips together as if you're trying to fight back being sad.

This occurs due to a dysfunction of a woman's ovaries, leading to a hormonal imbalance, leading to weight gain and difficulty in loosing weight. [ I think I've got a bad case of this today...but I wont cry, I just wont!!]


and finally, PROLACTINOMA. You say the word, slightly suck in your top lip, bat your eyelids as you inhale, release your top lip and give that fake gracious smile whilst trying to change the subject.

Prolactinomas are non-cancerous tumors that secret the hormone prolactin and therefore also leads to weight gain and a lot of other unkind illnesses.

You should only really use PROLACTINOMA on your worst frenamie so you can watch them feel bad for mentioning your weight and confused at the same time.

It's pretty easy fooling people about a serious and real medical condition that makes you fat but rather hard to fool yourself. So when you're done lying to others and crying in corners because you hate the way you look, go be healthy and lose the weight. Don't aspire to be thin (that seldom happens or even lasts) aspire to be healthy and to love the way you look.

More info about conditions on www.livestrong.com
 

Men Men Men Men Menly Men...uuurrggggggghhhhhh!!!

Things he's never going to get right, unless he is at his death bed. This is not another toilet seat issue, no we women have risen above that (only because we haven't found a more permanent solution, our screaming works temporarily!)



1. If you have ever had wonderful dreams of doing grocery shopping with your man and he is smiling and has opinions, valid, relevant and reliable input on the mutually beneficial household goods.....well it's time to let that dream go (speaking mostly to myself)

The most you going to get is a grunt, a "it's fine with me" and multiple mood swings and yet you are buying food and other supplies that he will use and deplete. MUST THIS BE SOO PAINFUL...the answer is No, just don't go with him.

Either have him drop you of and pick you up; you will find peace and necessary bargains!!! I repeat NECESSARY!







2. The one thing worse than the toilet issue is the BUTTER issue! Beautiful, young , goddess (kinda like me) says to dude {in a nice, firm but nice manner} "Honey please make sure that you don't add any other food particles to the butter. Please"

This mind you was agreed upon and understood, it was wonderful, as if a lightbulb had finally switched on in his head.

A week later, beautiful, young goddess decides to have a sandwich and wants to butter her bread. What does she find on opening the tub?! Traces of varied sandwich meals and certain mold developments on some particles. Jam particles, peanut butter, traces of grated cheese and a small but noticeable piece of molding polony!!! WHY WHY WHY!!!

It gets better, you can see that on many occasions he overestimated how much butter he wanted then spread some on his bread and returned the leftover from his knife back into the butter tub. Now the butter has bread crumbs in it also!!! Is it irrational to just want butter to be butter? To  want to make a sandwich without having to perform removal surgery first so to eventually get to the butter?

Its things like these that give you visions of picking up the thinnest yet sharpest knife and ever so graciously stab him between the eyes whilst poetically stating WHY. CAN'T. YOU. JUST. DO. RIGHT. AAAAAAAAAAH - just so he gets it you know, but not actually die.

A vibrator a day keeps the .......

There is a condition (not to be laughed at or envied) that requires women to HAVE TO use a vibrator everyday!!! This condition is called Vaginismus. It is said that the PC muscles, suddenly contract at any type of vaginal penetration, including a tampon. This makes it increasingly painful for the woman and any further penetration or tampon putting becomes impossible.

http://www.vaginismus.com


Ready for business......not today Roger!

 
She has no control on the muscle spasm, kind of like if something approaches your eye, you don't first think "oh let me shut my eye"!

This then creates a fear of penetration as the poor woman knows that whilst dude is looking to peruse the enchanted forest, she will be in excruciating pain just by him peering through the gates.



A peep is more than enough to cause a shut down.




Vaginal Acceptance Trainers


 

Unfortunately with this condition, women don't get to use  the cool vibrating type of vibrators. They have to use specialized (i.e. not so fun) dilators or more politically correctly known as Vaginal Acceptance trainers.

 They might as well call  them that because they are as boring (I saw a pic) as a log. They vary in sizes to , so you can graduate each stage.

This is a terrible condition to have as one usually finds out in their pubescent stage, when they try and introduce a tampon, go for a pap smear or worse, get laid!

http://www.vaginismus.com/faqs/dilator-questions/vaginal-dilators-for-treating-vaginismus

So none of this "put a ring on it" fun stuff

He cheated but i'm NOT leaving him....



That's one way to ensure that he keeps providing!!

 

We've seen many such cases in the media lately. High profile women who have worked and supported their husbands selflessly to get them into these executive positions and then the man cheats, at the office, with a junior!

It a global pandemic and I don't use the word pandemic lightly. Husbands who disregard their responsibilities ( looking after their families in all biological, psychological and social aspects) for selfish momentary indulgence; as if all that was given to him was not enough.

The sad and most frustrating part of it all is none of them have a straight or even logical answer as to why they did it! Temporary insanity; Somehow they think that's enough of a reason. Some are even self-centered enough to blame their actions on their wives and because (whether you accept this or not) we constantly need our husbands comments, approval and or appreciation of how we look or if we're doing okay; the minute this selfish &%#$@ says this, it sticks and we believe him and that's how we will see ourselves, as not enough. Sometimes he needn't even say it, by withhold an affection we need, we panic.

How much more painful and humiliating when all this happens in public. For everybody to judge and scrutinize your family? Then comes the expectation, "You should leave him. He's a dog. He doesn't appreciate all that you've sacrificed and done for him." and then the obviously hurt and depleted woman replies, " No, he's my husband. He made a mistake. I'm not leaving."

That takes immeasurable strength to look beyond your pain and stay the course. Strength I don't think I possess. Forgiving him means that this continues to be a marriage. How do you let him touch you with out wondering if this is how he touched her?! It creeps me out just thinking about it.

I like what Kristen Houghton writes in her article "Why women stay with cheating husbands."

http://articles.familylobby.com/543-why-women-stay-with-cheating-husbands.htm

She says "Some stay for religious reasons. They view marriage as sacred, a union sanctified by God. Others stay for the sake of their children. Still others make this decision because of the length of years they have spent with their spouse. Then there are those who have a love deep enough to forgive and go forward together. Whatever the reasons, infidelity is not always an automatic step towards divorce."

I especially like the last sentence "..., infidelity is not always an automatic step towards divorce." Nice words, easy words, excruciatingly hard to action but doable.

The amount of pain that an affair causes, regardless of how brief it was, is almost physical.

Hillary Clinton explains her initial shock in her memoir "Living history" - ""I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?' I was furious and getting more so by the second. He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was trying to protect you and Chelsea." My question would be , how do suppose lying protects us? Things worked out for them, which is great.



And then there was Crous, who cheapened himself by sleeping with a girl who is most openly a glorified prostitute. She is known and doesn't mind stating that she only sleeps with men who have money for that money!! Primrose stayed with him.



And now Vavilicious Zwelinzima Vavi!! As if the world is no hard enough (izwe linzima..get it) , he is then quoted, after apologizing to South Africa and his family, “I want to take full responsibility. It is my error. I deserve all that I am being subjected to. “I can only plead for understanding. Never did I present myself as faultless. I am fallible… I’m not going to claim this is the last time I will make mistakes,” 

" Forgive me South Africa, pweetty pwease."

http://www.iol.co.za/news/politics/vavi-and-his-wife-speak-out-1.1557187#.UgM88TD8LIU

Hhe? What does he means "...I'm not going to claim this is the last time I will make mistakes"? Papa we are not talking about your political mistakes here!! We are talking about your penis mistakes!! So you can't apologize, ask us to trust you as our leader but sort of tell us to hold thumbs as you might do it again. Mxhm!
Nowadays we live in a society that's drowning in various sexually transmitted diseases some of which are incurable. So do you think that during their supposed "temporary insanity" they are cautious to use protection?

'Fromance

My 'fro bad, my 'fro cool, my 'fro does things that your 'fro wish it could!!!

 Some blogs don't need words, pictures are enough!!

 

And as awesome as my 'fro is, it's just a drop in the hair-ball in comparison to a Aevin Dugas.

 

That girl got huuuuuurrrr for days and her 'fro is gangster!!! I'm many years behind.

 

 

Now, that's some good hair! I'm thinking that the worlds smallest people can get lost in there!!!

Cryolipolysis.....say what now?!

The average human being, male and female, are unhappy with our bodies. Someone, very creative , told us we have muffin tops, love handles, jiggly bits all wonderful names but nothing anybody aims for. Then I came across this procedure called CRYOLIPOLYSIS...

 

 

Fun stuff hey?!! Now I can suck, freeze and watch my fat die all on its own. Moohaha (evil laugh)!

 

My problem is that this machine is way too small, and if 1 spot takes an hour to freeze, I may be in there for a full day (24 hours = 24 problem areas) and that's just a sample count, some areas might fight back and may need to be done twice.

 

But on the other hand, it would take me a year of dedicated dieting and exercise to get rid of the fat in my 24 problem areas, so a day may not be so bad. It would cost me a years worth of university fees to get this done.

 

Maybe I should start a paying blog, or maybe I can add a "Please donate to overweight blogger" button and you would feel sorry for me and donate. I would eat what I eat and freeze my fat. Sounds perfect!

 

 

I suppose most of you have said "dream on!"

 

 

 

 

No worries , I shall add this to my list of dreams along side having Tyrese as my husband.

 

I would happily cryolip him....

 

Grrrrrrr!! Let me make me a greasy snack while I fantasize........I'll have it with diet Coke for health purposes.

 

 

For more information on the procedure....Google it , DUH!!! 



He literally took my breathe away...

 

 
I had this boyfriend once, who was gifted with a double portion for a nose. That thing was big. I remember saying to a friend " I think I'm really into this guy. When I'm around him I feel like I just cant breathe."

My dear friends response "Nah girl, it's that nose. He finishes all the oxygen around you hence why you feel you cant breathe. You aint got no air ,its got nothing to do with love!" Of course we cracked up laughing. I couldn't deny the nose, needless to say he ended up being a total idiot even with all that oxygen going up to his brain!!!

Nose issues are rife and quite brutal especially among Black people as we are more susceptible to inheriting the broad, big and flat nose.

I heard a "joke' once, it goes as such "Why do Black people have such flat noses?" ....."Because they love to window shop!"........For those who don't get it, this joke assumes that Black people do not go into shops, they stand outside coveting what's inside with their noses possibly against the store windows hence the flat nose. A bit funny but rather cruel.

I remember my little brother (now 23yrs), once made a joke about Dad's nose. My father was not amused. The silly, unsuspecting and innocent 4 year old asked my father why he had such big nostrils. My father, annoyed at the question, replied that God had made him so. My wonderful brother half laughing replied ,"No Daddy, it's because you have such big fingers!" My Dad got it, but he most certainly wasn't laughing. We were in stitches!!!



We are all so obsessed with our noses and or other people's noses. I suppose it makes sense as the nose can make or break a face. There was a time in Rwanda, when life or death, privilege or poverty rested mainly on the shape and size of your nose.

When my friend gave birth to a cute, flat nose baby girl, the aunt (Baby-daddy's sister) would "reshape" the nose, as such noses were not acceptable in their family. It didn't work but the nose looks good on the little girl.

 The initial statue of Liberty (in the US) had a broad nose and had to be sent back to be modified as the nose made it look too much like a Black person. Even in statues, the nose can determine the race and acceptability!

My nose is ok. My sisters have beautiful noses. I'm just glad I didn't inherit my Dad's nose or his fingers!!

What's great or unfortunate about your nose?